To exist is to change.
Yes, I am tired. No, tired isn’t the word.
I am exhausted. Dried out inside because I have been walking, walking for months.Reaching no where,finding nothing, tangled in nonsense.
Some nights I find myself saying “Damn it all, I give up.”
I curl up and stare at the stars then, or just an the empty sky.I hope for a Tardis to come,I pray for it almost.
I keep waiting. I’m not quite sure for what.For the Tardis, for the stars, for the occasional sky lanterns wandering into clouds.
Then it finally comes,the hope, it’s a bloody slow thing. It creeps inside my heart, which aches physically in that state of darkness. No, the ache doesn’t go away. (It’s still here, while i write this down)
I simply happen to find more strength to carry on with it. More strength to say, “No, no one quits tonight. Just one more time, just one last push.”
Then I get back up, into another day, another world. Everyday is a brave new world when you are walking on a flimsy tightrope of hope. I have learned to find excitement in it. I have learned to be happy in it.Or at least,I try.
Some time during the course of meeting a deadline and trying not to burn the toast, I realised I’ve been waiting for all the wrong things in life.
I’ve been waiting for Happiness, for love, for peace. I’ve been waiting for things to find their way to me. I’ve been waiting for life to unfold one day at a time.
I’ve been waiting for the Tardis to fall beside me from another universe.
I’ve been waiting for things that are meant to be grown.
I wasted months ( probably years) waiting for things that needed to be grown. Now I want to blame the world for it. I want to blame the fairy tales read and inculcated into beliefs. The words of advice that told you to let things be,to let go, to sit still because the world is too big, too messy for you to change alone.
But I will not.Not today. Because a girl beside a run down fireplace told me, ” You can’t have the good without the bad, the angel without the monsters.”
I will not stop looking or waiting instantly. A part of me will continue to wait for something or the other. Possibly for one romance after another.With life, of course.
For now,I will start by smiling and by learning to say no.
I maybe exhausted, but there is a sense of exhilaration that the mere act of living brings with it. I will build on it.
I have my Tardis with me,in my heart. It is very real, in my personal dimension of reality.
This is not a story,neither a scribble.This is a side-effect of being alive.
"Because as long as your words lived, then you have lived and you have mattered.
You have changed the world. And I cannot remember your name.”
It was pushed back in the far corner of the bookshelf, I might have walked out empty handed with the usual frustration that comes from going into those book stores that store a whole lot of nothing.
But then I saw it.
Return to hope. Return to adventure. Return to Narnia.
And so, I did.
Thank you Shihab.
- 1 month ago
This world is a sad, sad place. It’s dark and disgusting and ugly. It is diseased with poverty, corruption and a mutated nature.
But there is still beauty in it. It’s in you. You were brought into this world because I realised something. I realised,after long drunken nights and a million failures and success later that there is nothing better I can leave for this world than you. You, a human being, a beautiful soul. You have the potential to make this world, this small little diseased rock of the milky way a beautiful place. All that will survive of us is love and you, you are the love I will leave for this world. You are the living, breathing evidence that I had loved- passionately,deeply.magically.
So, my son, I will not scream at you to get a job. I will not let you think your existence is pointless. I will not regret the sleepless nights spent soothing your cries and fulfilling your needs.
I will love you with a belief.
I brought you so that you may know how magical life can be. How life can be a beautiful affair if you allow yourself to find it.
So keep on trying. I gave you life so that you can laugh and live and know what happiness feels like. Do that. Please.
She sat there, at the edge of Greece.Summer skies a touch away and turquoise waves a thousand feet below,the wind blowing it’s salts and songs into her sun-burnt curls.
She sat at the edge of life and for once in twelve years-the skies were beautiful.
“What are you doing here?” the familiar cynical tone made her smile.
She spun her head towards the sturdy figure whose shadow blocked the warmth of the May sunshine,her curls bouncing with a long lost mirth.
“Living,” a reckless smile spread across her tanned features.
He arched an eyebrow in question-ever the sweet, mushy cynic. She shook her head at that thought and a corner of her heart ached with a sudden rush of bliss and sorrow that only his presence would stir. How did he manage to do that? After all these years?
Her eyes squinted against the sun as she looked up at him again,the smile never leaving her lips. She held up a dirt streaked hand to him,
“Come,live with me.”
He snorted but she could sense the cynic melting a little, despite the less than polite gesture of exasperation.
“Well come on, you are obligated to.”
She winked. He sighed.
He sat down beside her,and it was there again-the unspoken bond of souls that was born twelve years ago,through shared silence and a love for a world beyond their rusted billboards and windows.
The best thing to share with him was silence. But he kept forgetting that.
“I love you,” he says and despite her cherished love for silence and memories, he butterflies flutter again.
“Can I kiss you?” she says, her eyes shine with a memory of a summer seven years ago. It was another summer, another life.
“You need to ask?” There was a mischief in his eyes, a warm kind of mischief. A warmth so indescribably his, the one that made had made it’s way into her soul during their young love’s banters and as remnants of passionate rendezvous.
He edged closer, his hands trailing a path up her waist and her parted lips strained to meet his.
For the first time in a long time, they were whole again.
It was a ‘first kiss’ kiss, deep, fleeting and complete, all at the same time. The kind that blazes into a momentous fire and as the years go by,it becomes a lingering flame of the soul.
“I love you,”she said, words that are as fierce as her heartbeat.
“No sorry?” He chuckled.
“The girl who said sorry for all the wrong reasons had left long ago. All you’re left with is the one beside you, blasphemous and egoistic.”
She threw him a smirk.
He returned it with a smile.
She pulled away her eyes from his languid, muscular form and spread it across her share of the edge-of-the-world.
“There are a million things I need to be sorry about,more than a million. But I’ll leave it for another day.Right now, I want to be happy,I want to be consumed by these summer skies.In this moment, it’s you and me and this little world. Right now, we are infinite.”
Their hands found each other as easily as one found home. He looked at her with his warmth in those eyes again.
“I think we have always been infinite.”
She smiles, his warmth spreads in her soul.
“Twelve years of infinity?”
They stare at the sunset that looms over their edge-of-the-world, hands held together, souls bound into one.
“Twelve years of infinity.”
"I come from a family of indecisive, independent and inarticulate women. And maybe that would be a very good excuse for all my glorious mistakes," she had said with sadness in her eyes and a smile on her lips.
"Little lady, you’ve got some nerves."
She had laughed so beautifully then. It was one of those laughters that come from the soul.
Her’s was a beautiful soul.
"Love. Does it frustrate you?"
"How do you keep loving then?"
"Love isn’t something you do,it’s something you feel."
"Then why do you sound like a robot when you say that?"
"Because they are borrowed words."
"Where are yours?"
"I don’t have an extensive vocabulary when it comes to the soul.I have come to accept I never will."
He sighs. She shudders.
"Why is reality so kaleidoscopic?"
"Because humans are."
"The error of being human. I am beginning to think that our mistakes define us more perfectly than our accomplishments."
"We have a very tragic overview of life."
"I think we might just be a little damaged."
"I don’t doubt that."
They laugh together.Living in the moment, living the last days of summer.
"The words in your head, do they still bother you?"
"Well,you can’t really describe them as bothersome. They are…they are just there. Like cancer for the soul. You rather not have it,but you fall into acquiesce soon."
He chuckles.She raise a messy eyebrow.
" Alright I get it. Cancer for the soul. A sad affair,indeed."
"Thank you." "You know, you’re the only one crazy enough to be able to take this."
He smiled. “I know.” “But do you know, that there will be times when I would want to walk away than pick up another of your cancer waste?”
This time,she smiled. “I know. But I also know that eight times out of ten you won’t leave,no matter how bad it gets.”
"Does this have something to do with love?"
"Only a little."
"Then how do you justify the illogical need to stay together?"
"Because life and the summer sky looks a lot better when I sit beside you."
His soul smiles.
"You always have the right words."
She snorts. “It’s still cancer.”
- 1 month ago
The world has no qualms about making things tough for you.Believe me, it’s going to be merciless. There are going to be days when you’ll find yourself wishing for the days of see-saws and ignorance.There is suddenly too little time to think and too many things to care about. It gets worse when you are pushed and pulled past the point of human tolerance by deadlines and promises of a future that will never come. You forget about the bucket list you had stashed under your floorboard one drunken evening, along with your dreams. You forget a lot of things, birthdays, phone calls, parents, sometimes friends. Because it is easier to put yourself in an impenetrable bubble of indifference,alcohol and loneliness. You found your lost ignorance again, but this time there is no innocence in it. It’s dark and ugly with a shiny cover of your success.
As silly as this may sound now, but don’t lose heart. Whatever you do, where ever life puts you, do everything and anything you can to keep your soul alive. Remind yourself that the world needs something beautiful and then go ahead and be beautiful. Be alive.
And for the sake of the soul, I pray you do.